Indian aunty and the recent american college grad: A tale of woe and foe

p.s –  aunties / maamis are used interchangeably.

The introduction of the Indian Aunty:

நாடு சும்மா கிடந்தாலும் கிடக்கும் பாழும் நாகரீகம் அத ஓடி வந்து கெடுக்கும். A stained metaphor of all those aunties (maamis) whose sole purpose is to ring the wedding bells to the otherwise innocent Indian parents. Some aunties are just this ultimate evil embodied in silver, gold and organic compounds. A black hole of all sorts. This maami destroys everything in her path. All it needs for her is to spend 5 minutes of her time.

“நம்ம காயத்ரியோட பையன் இருக்கான்ல? அமெரிக்கால படிச்சுட்டு கை நிறைய சம்பாதிச்சுட்டு இருந்தான். அப்புறம் ஒரு கருப்பு பொண்ண கல்யாணம் பண்ணான், அவளும் கொஞ்ச நாள்ல இவன விட்டுட்டு போயிட்டா. போன வாரம் phoneல நீங்க சொன்னதெல்லாம் காதுல போட்டுக்கலையே மாமின்னு கதர்றான். எனக்கு படபடன்னு வந்துருச்சு”

A short walk-through an Indian nuclear family:

The garden variety Indian parents are under the impression that their babies will never do anything against them and even if their kids like someone;  it will all work out fine and dandy. They have this sense of comfort from the control they possess over their XXXL infants. That comfort was repeatedly reassured by numerous verbal, financial and social transactions.

/We will be seeing an Indian nuclear family with a only son, pappu – a fully grown infant./

/ The intricacies of an Indian parent – child relationship is currently out of scope here and has no fodder for whatever effect the author of this post tries achieve and thus no longer be pursued. /

A momentous journey of the maami:

Lo and behold. The behemoth of an Indian aunty reasserts herself in your family with the social commitment she thinks she has over the wellness of your family. The wake of this narcissistic creature, a remnant of the old world monsters, has only one purpose. To threaten the innocent Indian parents and to make them feel insecure about the control they possess over the XXXL infant.

This is where the story about a failed interracial marriage is narrated. The aunty, having mastered the art of story telling as she accumulated tenure by impending obedience in her children by narrating monster stories, has undergone second mutation to become a master manipulator of emotions via stories.

What started as “பூச்சாண்டி புடிச்சுட்டு போயிருவான்  to the சாப்பிட மாத்தே போ-ing kid”, has evolved to “கருப்பா இருக்கான்.. பொறுக்கி மாதிரி.. பாவம்னு ஏதாச்சும் பேசினா என்ன ஆகும் தெரியுமா?” and then to “மாப்ள நல்லவர் தான்..ஆனா அவங்க அம்மா, தங்கச்சிலாம் என்ன செய்வாங்க தெரியுமா” and now the maami is a successful mother.

Her social status is established by her frequent trips to America to oversee her daughter’s role as a wife and a puppeteer who is a puppet herself. The effective disassociation of the son-in-law and his supposedly evil family is a tale in its own but like we have previously discussed, its outside our bracket.

We have already drifted enough in establishing the maami origins.

Maami and her resolution to fuck your life:

Now the social circle that the maami moves in is well aware of her accomplishments and there are a bunch of pictures of our maami in front of Niagara falls, statue of liberty, San Francisco golden gate bridge, NY times square, Las Vegas Stratosphere and other pictures in front of the random American buildings, doing rounds in the social media. The picture attached below is purely fictional.

maami

However, Maami has allured her peers into opening a facebook account as an effective means to reestablish control over their XXXL infants. Little did they know about the maami’s hydra level plan within a plan to establish her social stature as  a cool “உலகம் சுற்றும் மாமி” which could come in handy for her  m.o.

As an intended side effect, now your facebook is filled with all the aunties you grew up with and you are scared as fuck when some, any of the lucky bastards (no relatives in facebook) you have for friends would comment something that will directly prompt a question of character from this army of aunties. Following could be a transaction based on actual events but you know me..

// Be you:
[insert : random social media viral article about Indian men and their misogyny]

Be the bastard friend:
dei.. I still remember how much scene you were putting seeing that
Indian stripper in las vegas dream palace ok? //.

Now this is the type of situation where your act of valor and splendor in appealing to the female population of your facebook takes a drastic turn  and goes south. Your smartphone has called it a night and you come home after hitting it off in a nightclub only to see the post and the comment garnering a certain level of attraction you wouldn’t want. You do the needful and go in to damage control mode and that’s about when a ping appears.

hiii…

*from random aunty*

That’s it. The moment of truth. Would you man up and respond to the message or pretend that you weren’t online and do blame it all on the same Bastard Friend of yours?

– “No aunty. My friend hijacked my account?”

While you are flummoxed with the very possibility of this intricate situation, might I remind you, that the person responsible for this unique scenario is none other than our beloved protagonist – The Maami.

In an unassuming friday evening:

Here begins the chain of events that lead to your destruction.

Your plan:

You are a nice chap. Earning decent money and living the dream. You meet this girl and things are getting a bit intense. The girl is obviously different from the archetypal bride that you will be provided with. Be it a single or multi-variants of state, region, language, age, country and race; she is different from your archetypal bride. But you are not worried. You have a plan set up. You call your parents to USA. Show them a good time. Go out with friends. This girlfriend of yours is just playing it right to get your parents mildly interested on her. Upon its own possibility or in a controlled environment, you get what you wanted. Your parents say “Ok pa. What about this girl? She is pretty and seems nice”. You know where this is headed. You have got this. You have envisioned this moment inside your head, played all the possibilities and planned for it. You are confident that your parents will agree to your intended proposal. Aww..

snap!

Back to reality. Whammy..  Introducing to you, the destruction in motion, covered in lotion, benchmark mummy, your own maami!!

Actual course of events:

Maami meets your mom. Maami used her skillful narration and maxes out on her hard earned title as the master manipulator using stories to trigger a threat and response set up.

The unassuming, fairly innocent parents of yours walks right in to the set up. Maami has got them in a chokehold now.

The doomed story of an otherwise successful america “mappilai” is emotionally strangling them.

They can’t imagine their sweet pappu, the grown ass kiddo, to fall for some witch who would romp and stomp all over their pappu’s life.

They are scared so much that any girl, the pappu would seek for himself will be this witch that would suck the bejesus out of their son’s life.

Maami is actually aware that she has got what she wanted. But what makes maami the best in the business is her special move. The fatality.

Maami swipes her iPad (hey whatsup with the iPad and the maamis anyway??) and shows them the picture of a very drunk pappu in a danger close proximity to this possible and good looking witch from a different state. That’s it homeboy. The fatality. Maami wins.

You’re done.

Months Later:

Our pappu is now married to this archetypal bride from India. Girl has no clue about the life this america mappilai has had as a graduate student. Bro is still not out of that misery and adding to the top is losing the only girl who was ever interested in his miserable self. The newcomer chick wants to go to vegas, dip in miami, bigsur ride in california, a couple of days in disneyland, vacation in hawaii and bro has never gone to most of these places in his 6 year stint in America only. He knows he has earned his keep and keeps the head down but the newcomer chick has not even done dishes in her previous life. What follows is a story of destruction but lets cut back to the protagonist.

நம்ம காயத்ரி பையன் படுற பாட்ட பாத்துட்டு செண்பகத்துக்கிட்ட எடுத்து சொன்னேன். அவ டப்புனு சுதாரிச்சுட்டு என் சொந்தக்கார பொண்ணு ஒருத்தி, நம்ம லக்ஷ்மி பொண்ணு, தங்கவிக்ரகம் மாதிரி இருப்பா.. அவளுக்கு புடிச்சு கொடுத்துட்டா.. இப்போ நம்ம செண்பகம் பையன் ராஜாவாட்டம் அந்த பொண்ணு கூட disneyland, hawaiiன்னு சந்தோசமா சுத்துறான்.

Swipes open the iPad to invoke her new fatality. A picture of our pappu tagged in our thangavigraham’s album ‘New beginning of a beautiful dream’.

Thus the maami is set upon in her path of destruction. Its pappu here, paapu there but the gender doesn’t warrants maami to deliver any less an evil. Because, Maami keeps it real.

Maami is everywhere..

Maami is ominous..

Maami is omnipotent..

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